Oz the Great and Powerful

I could have sworn the line was “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain” not “pay $13 to watch an animated 3-D rendering of the man-behind-the-curtain’s fake back story” but it’s been years. I could be wrong.

This is officially the one to beat for the “Coulda not Shoulda” award of 2013. I stand by my conviction that taking a beloved classic and slathering it with millions of dollars worth of CGI does not make it more beloved. At best it’s forgettably entertaining. At worst it lures your childhood into the uncanny valley and abandons it there, frightened and alone.

Also, I’m confused about which witch he’s supposed to be sleeping with. They all exchange so many furtive looks it’s impossible to tell. I hope it’s either all of them or Michelle Williams’s Glinda. Michelle Williams is dating Jason Segel, and was in “Take this Waltz” with Seth Rogan, and I really want her to kiss the entire cast of Freaks and Geeks (Linda Cardellini, you’re on deck). Dawson’s Freak. 

In Conclusion: I don’t care how much gay press he does. James Franco is no Judy Garland. 

Warm Bodies

OK, fine.

Unencumbered by any actual responsibility, teenage love has to find some way to prove itself. The go-to way to accomplish this is by building some unscalable wall between the lovers, and then (spoiler alert) demolishing it against all odds. The hormones flooding every teenager’s body create all manner of notions regarding destiny, eternity, the cosmos and other such concepts no human (let alone a sixteen year old) can reasonably fathom, and nothing solidifies your place in the universe like the conviction that two stars in the firmament went out of their way to cross just for you and the guy that sits in front of you in biology class. Romeo and Juliet (a cautionary tale that would be a great way to raise awareness about the dangers of pride and hormones were it not so frequently mistaken for the greatest love story of all time) being not the first but certainly the English speaking world’s most famous example of this phenomenon. Ten years ago, it was sufficient that the lovebirds belong to separate schoolyard tribes. He’s a jock, she’s a weirdo. He’s rich, her dad is an unshaven bathrobe-wearer, etc. Apparently that doesn’t do it for the current post-pubescent crop. Apparently that’s too easy. Even having your parents be sworn enemies is TOO convenient. Now, one of them has to be a monster.

 I don’t know how I feel about living in a world where the “Twilight effect” is a thing but it obviously is so here we are. I didn’t think it would happen with zombies, because while vampires have always been suave and romantic, zombies have always been disgusting and uncoordinated. Evidently the makers of “Warm Bodies” (or the writer of whatever young adult novel it was probably based on) have found some way to (kind of?) get around that. I'd congratulate them but I'm too busy weeping for the future.